THE PRESIDENT (6/23/09):
First, and most important, I want to emphasize that I am the President of the United States. Me, me, me. Not John McCain-I beat him, remember? Not Speaker Pelosi-she’s third in line meaning over my dead body and Biden’s-ain’t gonna happen because I’m young and healthy and Biden’s a fool and we all know fools seem to live forever. Not Hillary-she’s bottled up in State, just where I want her.
Second, as President of the United States, I’d like to discuss ice cream. You know, ice cream is a uniquely American tradition, right up there with hot dogs and the 4th of July. And I want to encourage all Americans at their BBQs to invite an Iranian diplomat or mullah, just as I’ve done. And, yes, that offer still stands. When the Iranians taste a real hot dog (beef, of course), what gripe could they have with us? And then you finish it up with raisin rum and the deal is done. Hey, that almost rhymes, doesn’t it?
Third, that segues nicely into health care, because if you eat too much ice cream or too many hot dogs, you’re going to be putting yourself at cardiovascular risk. If you smoke, as I, as President, well know, it’s even worse. And many ice cream, hot dog and cigarette indulgers don’t have health insurance. This is a disgrace, and by taxing the hell out of these products, as well as anything else I, as President of the United States, don’t like, we will raise the money to pay for health insurance for all.
Fourth is clean energy. The solution sometimes stares us straight in our eyes and we are too selfish to realize it. 100% wind-powered Government transportation. Al Gore, after he invented the Internet…Al, he said that we should eliminate the internal combustion engine. And it is time for us, as egregious consumers of all that is carbon, to recognize that. Between Government transportation and walking everywhere else, you and I could eat as much ice cream as we wanted, and you know, this will reduce health care costs, too.
Fifth, you all need to know we’ve got Iran and North Korea under control despite right-wing accusations of failing to stand up to them. Right now, we are tracking a North Korean freighter carrying weapons, and I want to assure Kim Jong-il (who is a President like me, although I really like his title better) that we will be following toothless UN resolutions to the letter and not be boarding his sovereign property, just as I want to assure Supreme Leader Khamenei that there is only one government we deal with in Iran and that is the one that tortures and imprisons its civilians. We are making progress ourselves, but we’re not there yet.
Now I’d be happy to take questions on any matter I’ve already alluded to, which means nothing on Iran or North Korea. Please make sure you put in your articles that I am the President. No one else. Just to be clear, that’s not a request.