Our Father, who art in Wash’ton

Hallowed be thy Hussein

Thy kingdom won

Thy will be done

On Earth as it is ‘cago

Give us this day our daily TARP

And forgive us your trespasses

As we forgive those who trespass against you

And lead us not into production

But deliver us from self reliance

For thine is the kingdom, the power and the chains, for ever and ever.

O God!


The Earth may be in for the ride of its life as President Obama undertakes his most radical change yet. Under a joint United States-European initiative to combat climate change, the G8 will be physically moving the Earth five and one-half million miles farther from the Sun, such that its aphelion reaches 100 million miles (up from the present average of 94.5 million).

Chief Scientist and former Presidential candidate Al Gore, who will be heading up the 25 trillion-dollar effort code named “Valhalla,” is said to believe that the United States and Russia will be left with an excess of 2,000-3,000 nuclear bombs after current disarmament plans have been undertaken, and that exploding these simultaneously in space will impart enough momentum to move the Earth into an entirely new, more distant orbital plane about the Sun.

The Valhalla initiative is due to the renewed emphasis that President Obama has placed on combating global warming, climate change and the 2nd law of thermodynamics. Once Mr. Obama agreed with other world leaders at the G8 to establish a goal of limiting the rise in the Earth’s temperature to no more than 2 degrees Celsius, it became necessary for him to create a plan of action, and Valhalla was born out of that requirement. Mr. Obama smartly figured that a 2 degree increase could be offset by effectively putting the planet Earth itself on a space-age moving van.

Valhalla, however, has already been met with strong opposition. Nobel Prize-winning physicists at Harvard, MIT, Princeton and Cal Tech said that major destablizations in the Earth’s orbit were almost certain, likely destroying all life on the planet. In addition, electromagnetic pulse (EMP) would destroy all communications networks and electronic devices, brining us back to a pre-Edisonian time and milieu. But Gore, who now prefers to be called “Winston Churchill,” termed opponents “nattering Nazi-like nabobs of negativity,” said “my Nobel Prize has more cred,” and confidently predicted “a cooler, more stable temperature range,” while admitting a small possibility of “unprecedented meteorological, geophysical and electromagnetic events” as the Earth rockets from its present orbit to its new one.  “The point is that, one way or the other, the Earth will be cooler. Even if it becomes a dead rock in space and ultimately collides with Mars, it will be cooler — eventually.” Regarding the communication networks, Gore said, “I invented the Internet so I can destroy it, too.”

President Obama concurred with Gore’s assessment, noting “Let me be honest with you. Our goals here are for the long-term: billions of years, not mere months. If we can ultimately achieve a cooler Earth and stop the scourge of temperature increases, it will be worth the sacrifice of worldwide annihilation today. I have every confidence that Al Gore is the man to lead us to that destination.”

THE PRESIDENT (6/23/09):

First, and most important, I want to emphasize that I am the President of the United States. Me, me, me. Not John McCain-I beat him, remember? Not Speaker Pelosi-she’s third in line meaning over my dead body and Biden’s-ain’t gonna happen because I’m young and healthy and Biden’s a fool and we all know fools seem to live forever. Not Hillary-she’s bottled up in State, just where I want her.

Second, as President of the United States, I’d like to discuss ice cream. You know, ice cream is a uniquely American tradition, right up there with hot dogs and the 4th of July. And I want to encourage all Americans at their BBQs to invite an Iranian diplomat or mullah, just as I’ve done. And, yes, that offer still stands. When the Iranians taste a real hot dog (beef, of course), what gripe could they have with us? And then you finish it up with raisin rum and the deal is done. Hey, that almost rhymes, doesn’t it?

Third, that segues nicely into health care, because if you eat too much ice cream or too many hot dogs, you’re going to be putting yourself at cardiovascular risk. If you smoke, as I, as President, well know, it’s even worse.  And many ice cream, hot dog and cigarette indulgers don’t have health insurance. This is a disgrace, and by taxing the hell out of these products, as well as anything else I, as President of the United States, don’t like, we will raise the money to pay for health insurance for all.

Fourth is clean energy.  The solution sometimes stares us straight in our eyes and we are too selfish to realize it.  100% wind-powered Government transportation. Al Gore, after he invented the Internet…Al, he said that we should eliminate the internal combustion engine. And it is time for us, as egregious consumers of all that is carbon, to recognize that. Between Government transportation and walking everywhere else, you and I could eat as much ice cream as we wanted, and you know, this will reduce health care costs, too.

Fifth, you all need to know we’ve got Iran and North Korea under control despite right-wing accusations of failing to stand up to them.  Right now, we are tracking a North Korean freighter carrying weapons, and I want to assure Kim Jong-il (who is a President like me, although I really like his title better) that we will be following toothless UN resolutions to the letter and not be boarding his sovereign property, just as I want to assure Supreme Leader Khamenei that there is only one government we deal with in Iran and that is the one that tortures and imprisons its civilians. We are making progress ourselves, but we’re not there yet.

Now I’d be happy to take questions on any matter I’ve already alluded to, which means nothing on Iran or North Korea. Please make sure you put in your articles that I am the President. No one else. Just to be clear, that’s not a request.

The shock and awe over President Barack Obama’s coolly swatting a fly during a TV interview today has resounded throughout the mainstream media, resulting in a major change to the format of future Presidential debates: questions will be replaced by tests of insect-swatting prowess.

In an unprecedented news conference, the presidents of all major media outlets (except Fox): David Westin of ABC News, Phil Griffin of MSNBC, Steve Capus of NBC News, Sean McManus of CBS News, and Jonathan Klein of CNN announced in a joint communique: “Now more than ever, Americans want a hip President, and there is nothing more hip than swatting a fly in media res. In fact, President Obama himself, speaking with great humility about his performance, said, ‘That was pretty impressive, wasn’t it? I got the sucker.'”(*)

The communique continued: “As distractions, such as Iran and North Korea, mount, it is more important than ever that Americans focus on those qualities of a President that make American great, yet we know that words can be misleading. After all, we misuse them every day. Therefore, we are moving from words to action.  Future Presidential debates will consist of presenting candidates with progressively more difficult and elusive insects to swat, starting with gnats, moving to flies and ending in Killer Bees. The candidates—and the insects—will succeed or fail on their own merits.”

President Obama reacted positively, observing, “I’m hip, I’m cool, I swat flies. I am everything I ever wanted to be—kind of like Mastercard, as it were—and everything every American has wanted to be.”

Economists polled applauded the action, explaining that it would produce a stimulus for entomologists “the likes of which the world has never seen.”

(*) Actual quote from Obama: not satire.

On the heels of a proposal by Energy Secretary and Nobel Prize Laureate Steven Chu to paint roofs and pavement white in order to mitigate global warming with “negative radiative forcing,” President Barack Obama has announced a new, far more racially-charged initiative. Under the Go White, Make Our Sickly Planet Bright program, all people of color would be “strongly encouraged” to make their skin lighter and could even receive tax credits for their participation.

Recognizing the difficulty that many African Americans and people of color would have with this program, the President announced the appointment of Michael Jackson as Melanin Czar. “Whether due to impetigo or psychosis, Michael Jackson knows more about lightening the color of one’s skin and saving the planet from global warming that any other African American, and I could not think of anyone more qualified than he to be our new Melanin Czar,” said Obama, “but in this position, he will only be allowed contact with individuals over the age of 18, a tremendous sacrifice for him and a symbol of his dedication to our cause.”

“Global warming and climate change affect all the peoples on Earth, including African Americans and all people of color,” said Obama, “but it is the very color of your skin and mine that enables us to make a unique contribution to stopping rampant environmental destruction, all while creating a post-racial world in which the color black no longer exists, except at night.  But we are working on that problem, too.”

Fiat, the automobile manufacturer of uber-stylish Italian cars, announced today that it has completed its so-called acquisition of Chrysler. Under the terms of the deal, Fiat will actually hold a 20% stake in Chrysler and provide a transfer its technology; the United Auto Workers’ union will hold 55% and provide muscle, enforcement, and kneecappings; and the US and Canadian governments will respectively hold 8% and 2%, which will collectively provide onerous regulations to stymie the products of competitors.

Sergio Marchionne, Fiat’s chief executive, explained that the new products would not just satisfy US President Barack Obama’s desire for green, fuel-efficient cars, but far surpass it: “The average Fiat is designed to hold two people: a man and his mistress, so we are already experts in making small cars. To enter the US market via Chrysler, and at the suggestion of San Franciscan Nancy Pelosi, we will be expanding capacity to three people, because we understand threesomes are more popular there, and we would not want to exclude an integral part of the American family.”

Marchionne continued, “But our big secret is Fiat technology itself. As everyone knows, our cars are aesthetically perfect, which is why they break down so often, for it is difficult to admire a moving car. By combining Chrysler’s resources with ours, we will be able to produce a true “Super Green” car that breaks down the moment you buy it, thereby eliminating emissions altogether.”

Many reporters noted that towing the faulty cars would involve the use of carbon unfriendly tow trucks, but Marchionne pointed out that this was only phase I and that President Obama’s Phase II called for a return to oxen, with automobiles becoming “purely aesthetic objets d’art.”

Pharmaceutical giant Sanofi-Aventis, maker of the best-selling sleep aid prescription drug Ambien®, now has a giant problem on its hands: President Barack Obama’s speeches.  Market research has identified three major threats to Ambien’s best-selling status.

First, as President Obama’s speeches increase in length (his recent speech in Cairo lasted a jaw-dropping 57 minutes), greater numbers of insomniacs are using them as soporifics.  Second, these insomniacs include Obama supporters and opponents, “proof that there is at least one thing that Democrats and Republicans agree on,” according to a senior executive at Sanofi-Aventis. Third, President Obama is giving these long speeches more frequently, causing concern that soon, there will not be a single day in the week that does have have an Obama speech. Were this to occur, “Ambien sales would be absolutely devastated,” said the executive.

Company statisticians have completed an in-depth analysis of Obama’s speeches and, if present trends continue, they project that, within six months, he will be making 3.7 speeches per week, with a median length of 1 hour and 23 minutes.  This means that insomnaics will still need prescription sleep aids at least one-half of the time.  Those same statisticians, however, found a “tipping point” at which point uncontrolled, explosive growth of Obama’s speeches will occur.

According to the confidential report we obtained: “We project that, by March 13, 2010, President Obama will be making 15.2 speeches per week, with a median length of 4 hours and 15 minutes.  This clocks in at over 60 hours per week, longer than the average workweek of an employed American.  We are calling this the Obama Red Tide Effect: as marine biologists well know, the algae that cause a red tide can, in a matter of a few days, consume all the oxygen in the water and cause massive fish death.  Similarly, listening to Obama’s speeches will soon become the sole sleep aid available in America, consuming all the potential sales of Ambien as well as of our competitors, such as Lunesta.”  Neither President Obama nor Press Secretary Robert Gibbs could be reached, as both were said to be preparing for a “Major 3:15pm, Tuesday Speech.” Meanwhile, in a desperate attempt to save their business, Sanofi-Aventis has hired lobbyists who will urge Congress to engage the “nuclear option”: banning the use of teleprompters by all United States Presidents.

Michelle Obama At Normandy: Everything I Wanted To Know, I Learned From Jeremiah Wright

Michelle Obama at Normandy: Everything I Wanted To Know, I Learned From Jeremiah Wright

First Lady Michelle Obama, exhausted from putting on airs for photo ops and Maxim, has found a new inner peace. At a solemn ceremony honoring those who died at Normandy, an entrepreneurial photographer snapped the above picture of the First Lady in which her “tranquility and love positively shine,” according to Evan Thomas, the senior Newsweek editor and soon-to-be Obama Media Czar, who recently opined that “President Obama is like a god.”

The Obama administration, however, denied a report that this photographer had been “rendered” to Saudi Arabia for “intensive questioning” and “reeducation.”

Speaking yesterday in Cairo to Muslims around the world, President Barack Obama unveiled what may be his most potent weapon against global terrorism: his penchant for making ever-longer speeches.   The speech, which clocked in at a sleep-inducing 57 minutes and jaw-paralyzing 5,846 words, suggests an ulterior motive, which leading Obama advisors have now confirmed.

Instead of deploying new missile defenses and selling military supplies to Israel, the administration will be ordering thousands of rad-hard, mil-spec teleprompters, which will be installed at locations around the globe and connected via real-time satellite links.  This will enable the President to deliver a speech from anywhere, anytime, not only at moments of existential crisis, but also whenever the hell the inspiration hits him.

One highly-placed administration source said, “Our thinking is that as long as acolytes are listening to Obama speak, they can’t be carrying out suicide bombing missions, attacking our troops or otherwise causing mayhem and destruction.  We have seen that the fractured syntax and short speeches of the Bush administration have failed, so consistent with our mantra of change, we are going in the other direction.  By the end of this year, expect the President to be giving daily speeches up to 3 hours in length — think of it as a filibuster against man-caused disasters, if you will.”

Another advisor noted, “We do not believe missile defense or preaching about American values can be effective in today’s complex world of man-made disasters. So we will be eliminating all that.  Instead, we will be using the President’s compelling personality, life story and empathy for the common Muslim to keep man-made disasters from occuring. The American people are sick and tired of action and are ready for some words and then some more words and then even some more words.”

Addressing Chinese students at Peking University, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner revealed that he has daily dialogues with the global recession and that he has named it “George.”

Geithner explained that George typically appears to him late at night, in the ferment of his dreams, but that he has also appeared early in the morning and during the middle of particularly long Cabinet meetings, effectively bypassing not only other Cabinet members, but even President Obama himself.  The initial meeting was particularly difficult, Geithner related, because the childish, yet wraith-like figure, whom he described as “a cross between E.T. and Nancy Pelosi without makeup,” refused to call him “Tim,” instead opting for the accusatory “T.C.” as in “Tax Cheat.”  Geithner, however, adroitly navigated past that obstacle by promising George a Senate Seat in the new state of the District of Columbia. “It was at that point that I knew I had found not just an equal, not just a friend, but a true confidante, a BFF” noted Geithner.

“George and I, we speak daily, sometimes contentiously, but what I have come to realize is that George’s inner child is damaged and needs to be soothed, so I quickly made the decision not to involve Rahm Emanuel.  George is hurting, George is crying about all the pain he has caused, but he has turned petulant and that is why the recession has gone on for so long.  Sure, the Obama administration could give him a really hard spanking, but that would just produce violent economic tsunamis in the future.  Instead, we opt for a policy of constructive engagement with George, in the hope that he will unclench his economic fist,” said Geithner.

Geithner concluded by saying that his relationship with George is now better than ever and that the country—and the world as a whole—is benefitting from their friendship.  The only cause of concern, Geithner averred, is that George seems to have developed some addictive tendencies, requiring ever greater amounts of love in the form of freshly minted dollars. “Fortunately,” added Geithner, “President Obama personally called Oprah, and she has arranged for Dr. Phil to take an emergency flight on Air Force One to treat George, and then to go out with him for dinner, drinks and a play on Broadway.” Dr. Phil, reached for comment, said: “Secretary Geithner has clearly lost his mind, but as my own example proves, that is no barrier to success.”

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