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The Obama Administration has reached out to ex-NFL quarterback, just-released convicted felon and all-around tough guy Michael Vick in an effort to get banking executives to give back their bonuses. Under the “Take a Bite Out of the Bonus” program, Vick will personally select and train 535 pit bulls (one for each member of Congress) for maximum viciousness. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner will personally direct Mr. Vick.
Each pit bull will be conditioned to recognize the smell of fresh US currency totalling more than $100,000. The dogs will then be sent to banking executives’ offices and homes. If the executive does not immediately hand over a minimum of $100,000 cash to Mr. Vick, the dog will be unleashed to wreak havoc and devastation. The executive, not the government, will be responsible for all damages caused by the dogs, and there will be a 90% excise tax levied on the cost of repairs and plastic surgery.
Geithner expressed a high degree of confidence in the Take A Bite program, noting “Incentives are the key to this program. The dogs know that if they do not perform they will be personally executed by Mr. Vick, and he has the track record to prove it. The executives do not want their Savile Row suits or trophy wives harmed. Mr. Vick has proven his entrepreneurial abilities with his Bad Newz Kennels, but like the government, he is bankrupt, so anything he collects over $100,000 is his free and clear.”
Mr. Geithner, however, denied a rumor that videos would be taken of each “encounter” with the executives and sold to the Animal Planet cable channel for a new series entitled “When Rapacious Dogs Attack Rich Executives,” but he acknowledged that Treasury does see cable TV as representing a promising new revenue stream.
New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd has admitted that she plagiarized a paragraph from the blog of Talking Points Memo Editor Josh Marshall’s. Today she issued this very personal statement:
“It is better to admit this now, because I have nothing to fear but plagiarism itself. I have long said that, when our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal, they would never have condoned plagiarism of any kind. I have today and have always had a dream that plagiarism cannot be consistent with what I said in my first book: that we should let freedom ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, that we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, ‘Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last of the disease of plagiarism.’”
Drew Peterson-from murder to Congress?
Jailed former Illinois police sergeant Drew Peterson, presently under indictment for the murders of his third and fourth wives, has announced from his jail cell his plans to run for Congress in 2010.
“Being from Illinois and having a decades-long track record of spousal abuse automatically make me the perfect politician for this great state,” said an ebullient Peterson. “While neophyte politicians take a while to get used to the backstabbing, lying, deceit and bribery that goes on every day in Congress, I will be ready from day one.”
Questioned about his current incarceration and the possibility of his receiving life sentences if convicted of murder, Peterson went on the offensive: “Really, what better place to legislate from than State Prison? Do you have any idea of the connections a guy can make there, of the strings he can pull, of the favors he can call in. As an esteemed member of Congress, I will be at the top of the prison pecking order, higher even than con men, and I will have an entire population of antisocial thugs, gangsters, murderers, extortionists and ACORN members ready to do my bidding. I fully expect to be the most powerful member of Congress and to do more for the citizens of Illinois than any of my predecessors.”
Peterson disclosed that he plans to ask for a postponement in his murder trial in order to focus on getting elected. “What’s more important: justice or getting elected? I am confident that my fellow Illinoisans know the correct answer to that question.”
Vice President Joe Biden today emphatically defended his Gridiron Club dinner disclosure of the location of a hitherto secret underground bunker intended to secure and protect a vice president in the event of catastrophe. Biden, to whom members of Congress have given the sobriquet “Bunker Joe,” offered three explanations for his alleged gaffe:
“First, Do you really believe I am so stupid as to give the actual location of the bunker? Like the best magicians, that was misdirection that will cause terrorists to bomb my residence in the Naval Observatory thinking I am in its underground bunker, and instead they will simply kill me in my official residence. The actual location, which I will never reveal, is at longitude 138.42’19.992″W, latitude 47.11’45.617″N, and I have verified that with Wolfram Alpha. Score one for crafty Bunker Joe!
“Second, while my loss would be tragic, what is even more important is that our nuclear weapons suitcase codes be protected and secured. We have corrected the errors of the Bush administration by creating a 4096-bit RSA-based cipher which all the present computing power in the world could not break in billions of years–unless they had the key,” but after offering this explanation, Biden temporarily excused himself, noting that his secure laptop seemed to be ‘missing.’
Upon his return, an ashen-faced Biden said, “I was about to give my third reason, but apparently the Martians have landed in Grover’s Mill, New Jersey and while this is not a man-caused disaster, it may be an alien-caused disaster, and it requires my urgent attention. By the way, can the guy who borrowed my cell phone give it back to me right away?”
The Guinness Book of World Records has confirmed that Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi has set a new world record for receiving the most botox injections in one lifetime. Her latest milestone, botox treatement #12,389, was achieved at her press conference yesterday, in between her 34th and 35th lies about the CIA and what it told her about waterboarding.
Ms. Pelosi, whose biography lists her as being 69 years old, but who is actually 95, has been the subject of increasing concern by Democratic strategists who, citing the FDA’s 2008 advisory that “botox can spread to areas distant to the site of the injection,” worry that the botulin toxins have crossed her blood-brain barrier and spread to her anterior cingulated cortex, dorsal lateral prefrontal cortex and parietal cortex, those parts of the brain neuroscientists believe help to govern the ability to tell the truth. Pelosi, however, termed those accusations “a lie.”
Her world record does not come without controversy. Ms. Pelosi has been a venerable advocate of Botox therapies and funding, and this has led some to charge her with conflicts of interest. She most recently responded by noting, “As one of the richest members of Congress with a net worth estimated at $17MM-$50MM, I have need of neither income nor bribes. My sole goal as a public servant is to ensure an equitable supply of Botox for the well-off and the needy, and if higher taxes are needed to achieve dermatological justice, then so be it. In fact, my next campaign will have Dermatological Justice as its primary theme. This is something the people in California–and particularly San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom–can personally relate to.”
The New York Yankees, already reeling with a barely .500 win-loss record and the largest payroll in baseball, were today dealt another blow to their World Series Championship dreams when third baseman Alex Rodriguez failed the Obama Administration’s Stress Test Assay for Baseball (STAB).
Under the STAB program, players who make over $20 million per year and act like 5-year-olds in public are subjected to a battery of tests which measure the ability to: hit in the clutch, avoid being photographed by paparazzi when engaged in adulterous relationships with strippers and “hos,” and understand the mysteries of the Kaballah and Madonna’s thought processes. Rodriguez, or A-Rod as he is known to his fans and detractors alike, badly failed the first two tests, achieving an unacceptable score of 33/100 due only to his demonstrating a scholar’s knowledge of Madonna.
Because of the extraordinary compensation paid to Rodriguez and the fact that the overwhelming majority of high-priced seats at the new Yankee Stadium are now occupied by homeless squatters from the Bronx instead of Wall Street executives, Treasury Secretary Geithner is now threatening a Federal takeover of this venerable team. Were this to occur, pundits have speculated that baseball fan and steroid-slayer George Mitchell could be appointed to run the Yankees, although rabid Red Sox fan, Democrat, and world-famous author Stephen King has also been mentioned as a possibility.
In either case, this would signal the end of the line for the Steinbrenner dynasty: Were the choice Mitchell, Yankee Stadium would be used exclusively for Middle East peace negotiations and for conducting show trials of sports figures accused of using anabolic steroids; were the choice King, insiders say he has been looking to acquire a large venue where The Stand can be acted out in real life using local illegal aliens infected with the swine flu.
In spite of these difficulties, Geithner said he wanted to save the intitution that is the Yankees, “I’ll personally run the printing presses if the Steinbrenners will accept TARP money, the only kind that never runs out.” Managing Partner Hal Steinbrenner is said to be seriously considering the offer, noting that “A larger-than-life player like A-Rod demands a larger-than-life supply of money, and that means TARP. I might even let Air Force One fly over Yankee Stadium if this deal goes through.”
