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The Lord’s Prayer (Messiah Obama Version)
July 8, 2009 in Bill O. Goods's Blog, Political Satire | Tags: barack obama, Lord's Prayer, Obama Lord's Prayer, Obama Satire, Political Humor, Political Satire, President Obama | by freezedriednews | Leave a comment
Our Father, who art in Wash’ton
Hallowed be thy Hussein
Thy kingdom won
Thy will be done
On Earth as it is ‘cago
Give us this day our daily TARP
And forgive us your trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against you
And lead us not into production
But deliver us from self reliance
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the chains, for ever and ever.
O God!
Obama To Combat Climate Change By Moving Planet Earth Farther From The Sun
July 8, 2009 in Bill O. Goods's Blog, Political Satire | Tags: Al Gore, Al Gore Internet, Al Gore satire, barack obama, climate change, climate change satire, g8, global warming, global warming satire, Obama Satire, Political Humor, political parody, Political Satire, President Obama, Satire | by freezedriednews | 2 comments
The Earth may be in for the ride of its life as President Obama undertakes his most radical change yet. Under a joint United States-European initiative to combat climate change, the G8 will be physically moving the Earth five and one-half million miles farther from the Sun, such that its aphelion reaches 100 million miles (up from the present average of 94.5 million).
Chief Scientist and former Presidential candidate Al Gore, who will be heading up the 25 trillion-dollar effort code named “Valhalla,” is said to believe that the United States and Russia will be left with an excess of 2,000-3,000 nuclear bombs after current disarmament plans have been undertaken, and that exploding these simultaneously in space will impart enough momentum to move the Earth into an entirely new, more distant orbital plane about the Sun.
The Valhalla initiative is due to the renewed emphasis that President Obama has placed on combating global warming, climate change and the 2nd law of thermodynamics. Once Mr. Obama agreed with other world leaders at the G8 to establish a goal of limiting the rise in the Earth’s temperature to no more than 2 degrees Celsius, it became necessary for him to create a plan of action, and Valhalla was born out of that requirement. Mr. Obama smartly figured that a 2 degree increase could be offset by effectively putting the planet Earth itself on a space-age moving van.
Valhalla, however, has already been met with strong opposition. Nobel Prize-winning physicists at Harvard, MIT, Princeton and Cal Tech said that major destablizations in the Earth’s orbit were almost certain, likely destroying all life on the planet. In addition, electromagnetic pulse (EMP) would destroy all communications networks and electronic devices, brining us back to a pre-Edisonian time and milieu. But Gore, who now prefers to be called “Winston Churchill,” termed opponents “nattering Nazi-like nabobs of negativity,” said “my Nobel Prize has more cred,” and confidently predicted “a cooler, more stable temperature range,” while admitting a small possibility of “unprecedented meteorological, geophysical and electromagnetic events” as the Earth rockets from its present orbit to its new one. “The point is that, one way or the other, the Earth will be cooler. Even if it becomes a dead rock in space and ultimately collides with Mars, it will be cooler — eventually.” Regarding the communication networks, Gore said, “I invented the Internet so I can destroy it, too.”
President Obama concurred with Gore’s assessment, noting “Let me be honest with you. Our goals here are for the long-term: billions of years, not mere months. If we can ultimately achieve a cooler Earth and stop the scourge of temperature increases, it will be worth the sacrifice of worldwide annihilation today. I have every confidence that Al Gore is the man to lead us to that destination.”
President Obama’s Opening Remarks At Press Conference: What He Was Really Thinking
June 23, 2009 in Bill O. Goods's Blog, Political Satire | Tags: Ahmadinejad, Ahmedinejad, Al Gore, Al Gore internal combustion engine, Al Gore Internet, barack obama, Hillary Clinton, Iran, Iran nuclear, Joe Biden, John McCain, Khamenei, Kim Jong Il, nancy pelosi, NK nukes, North Korea, Obama 4th of July, Obama carbon, Obama cigarettes, Obama health insurance, Obama ice cream, obama parody, Obama press conference, Obama Press Conference Parody, Obama presser, Obama Satire, Obama smoking, Obamacare, POTUS, President Obama, Secretary Clinton, Speaker Pelosi, Vice President Biden, VP Biden | by freezedriednews | Leave a comment
THE PRESIDENT (6/23/09):
First, and most important, I want to emphasize that I am the President of the United States. Me, me, me. Not John McCain-I beat him, remember? Not Speaker Pelosi-she’s third in line meaning over my dead body and Biden’s-ain’t gonna happen because I’m young and healthy and Biden’s a fool and we all know fools seem to live forever. Not Hillary-she’s bottled up in State, just where I want her.
Second, as President of the United States, I’d like to discuss ice cream. You know, ice cream is a uniquely American tradition, right up there with hot dogs and the 4th of July. And I want to encourage all Americans at their BBQs to invite an Iranian diplomat or mullah, just as I’ve done. And, yes, that offer still stands. When the Iranians taste a real hot dog (beef, of course), what gripe could they have with us? And then you finish it up with raisin rum and the deal is done. Hey, that almost rhymes, doesn’t it?
Third, that segues nicely into health care, because if you eat too much ice cream or too many hot dogs, you’re going to be putting yourself at cardiovascular risk. If you smoke, as I, as President, well know, it’s even worse. And many ice cream, hot dog and cigarette indulgers don’t have health insurance. This is a disgrace, and by taxing the hell out of these products, as well as anything else I, as President of the United States, don’t like, we will raise the money to pay for health insurance for all.
Fourth is clean energy. The solution sometimes stares us straight in our eyes and we are too selfish to realize it. 100% wind-powered Government transportation. Al Gore, after he invented the Internet…Al, he said that we should eliminate the internal combustion engine. And it is time for us, as egregious consumers of all that is carbon, to recognize that. Between Government transportation and walking everywhere else, you and I could eat as much ice cream as we wanted, and you know, this will reduce health care costs, too.
Fifth, you all need to know we’ve got Iran and North Korea under control despite right-wing accusations of failing to stand up to them. Right now, we are tracking a North Korean freighter carrying weapons, and I want to assure Kim Jong-il (who is a President like me, although I really like his title better) that we will be following toothless UN resolutions to the letter and not be boarding his sovereign property, just as I want to assure Supreme Leader Khamenei that there is only one government we deal with in Iran and that is the one that tortures and imprisons its civilians. We are making progress ourselves, but we’re not there yet.
Now I’d be happy to take questions on any matter I’ve already alluded to, which means nothing on Iran or North Korea. Please make sure you put in your articles that I am the President. No one else. Just to be clear, that’s not a request.
Obama Names Michael Jackson Melanin Czar, Asks Blacks To Halt Climate Change By Lightening Skin
June 15, 2009 in Bill O. Goods's Blog, Political Satire | Tags: African American, barack obama, climate change, climate change satire, Energy Secretary Chu, global warming, global warming satire, Melanin Czar, michael jackson, Obama Czar, Obama Satire, Political Humor, political parody, Political Satire, President Obama, steven chu | by freezedriednews | 2 comments
On the heels of a proposal by Energy Secretary and Nobel Prize Laureate Steven Chu to paint roofs and pavement white in order to mitigate global warming with “negative radiative forcing,” President Barack Obama has announced a new, far more racially-charged initiative. Under the Go White, Make Our Sickly Planet Bright program, all people of color would be “strongly encouraged” to make their skin lighter and could even receive tax credits for their participation.
Recognizing the difficulty that many African Americans and people of color would have with this program, the President announced the appointment of Michael Jackson as Melanin Czar. “Whether due to impetigo or psychosis, Michael Jackson knows more about lightening the color of one’s skin and saving the planet from global warming that any other African American, and I could not think of anyone more qualified than he to be our new Melanin Czar,” said Obama, “but in this position, he will only be allowed contact with individuals over the age of 18, a tremendous sacrifice for him and a symbol of his dedication to our cause.”
“Global warming and climate change affect all the peoples on Earth, including African Americans and all people of color,” said Obama, “but it is the very color of your skin and mine that enables us to make a unique contribution to stopping rampant environmental destruction, all while creating a post-racial world in which the color black no longer exists, except at night. But we are working on that problem, too.”
Fiat Takes Over Chrysler, Announces “Super Green” Cars That Break Down Instantly
June 10, 2009 in Bill O. Goods's Blog, Political Satire | Tags: Auto Bailout, Auto Rescue, barack obama, Car Czar, Carbon Credits, Carbon emissions, Chrysler, climate change, conservative satire, Fiat, global warming, Green Cars, Italian cars, liberal satire, nancy pelosi, Obama Car Czar, obama parody, Obama Satire, Political Humor, political parody, Political Satire, President Obama, San Francisco, Sergio Marchionne, UAW, United Auto Workers | by freezedriednews | Leave a comment
Fiat, the automobile manufacturer of uber-stylish Italian cars, announced today that it has completed its so-called acquisition of Chrysler. Under the terms of the deal, Fiat will actually hold a 20% stake in Chrysler and provide a transfer its technology; the United Auto Workers’ union will hold 55% and provide muscle, enforcement, and kneecappings; and the US and Canadian governments will respectively hold 8% and 2%, which will collectively provide onerous regulations to stymie the products of competitors.
Sergio Marchionne, Fiat’s chief executive, explained that the new products would not just satisfy US President Barack Obama’s desire for green, fuel-efficient cars, but far surpass it: “The average Fiat is designed to hold two people: a man and his mistress, so we are already experts in making small cars. To enter the US market via Chrysler, and at the suggestion of San Franciscan Nancy Pelosi, we will be expanding capacity to three people, because we understand threesomes are more popular there, and we would not want to exclude an integral part of the American family.”
Marchionne continued, “But our big secret is Fiat technology itself. As everyone knows, our cars are aesthetically perfect, which is why they break down so often, for it is difficult to admire a moving car. By combining Chrysler’s resources with ours, we will be able to produce a true “Super Green” car that breaks down the moment you buy it, thereby eliminating emissions altogether.”
Many reporters noted that towing the faulty cars would involve the use of carbon unfriendly tow trucks, but Marchionne pointed out that this was only phase I and that President Obama’s Phase II called for a return to oxen, with automobiles becoming “purely aesthetic objets d’art.”
Obama Spells Out Grave Consequences To North Korea, Threatens “Global Scolding”
May 26, 2009 in Bill O. Goods's Blog, Political Satire | Tags: barack obama, Kim Jong Il, North Korea, North Korea nukes, nuclear bomb, Obama Satire, obama teleprompter, Political Humor, political parody, Political Satire, President Obama, Security Council, United Nations | by freezedriednews | Leave a comment
North Korea’s unilateral underground tests of a 22 megaton nuclear device and of short-range missiles capable of threatening the Asian peninsula have pushed US President Barack Obama to the brink. Going far beyond his earlier vigorous condemnations of the tests as threats to world peace, Obama today threatened North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il with “a global scolding, the likes of which have neither been seen nor heard before, where all the voices of the world will be raised in unison to beg, to implore Mr. Jong-il to stand down from his aggression.”
Implicitly acknowledging the limited power of the United Nations Security Council, Obama said, “I will personally talk to Mr. Jong-il as one patriot to another, and I think he will appreciate that gesture. If that doesn’t work, I’ll bow, I’ll beg, I’ll do anything, really.” When asked whether military action would be prudent, as some such as former Secretary of State Lawrence Eagleburger have suggested, Obama demurred, commenting “I think that would be unilaterally aggressive and presumptuous on our part and it would surely telegraph the wrong message of bad intentions to the North Koreans. But, yes, I would indeed approve a limited military strike if the North Koreans were to drop a nuclear bomb on South Korea or Japan, or even the United States. We can’t put ourselves first, you know, as we’re just one of many nations. We’re simply not ready to rush to judgment yet, so isn’t it far more prudent to wait and see what they do, to react instead of to lead — uh, I mean — to act impetuously?”
With his teleprompter restored, Obama continued, “If indeed the North Koreans kill millions of foreign citizens, I have full faith and confidence that the United Nations will pass a very strong, condemnatory resolution. And I assure my fellow citizens that we will, at that point, consider stopping the shipment of wheat to them, also.”
Obama Stops Iran’s Nukes, Agrees To Deny Holocaust
May 8, 2009 in Bill O. Goods's Blog, Political Satire | Tags: Ahmadinejad, appeasement, Ban Ki-moon, barack obama, conservative parody, conservative satire, Daniel Ortega, Holocaust, Holocaust denial, Hugo Chavez, Humor, Iran, iran nukes, Israel, Kim Jong Il, libertarian parody, nazi, Nicaragua, North Korea, nuclear bomb, obama parody, Obama Satire, Political Humor, political parody, Political Satire, Politics, President Obama, right-wing extremists, smart diplomacy, terrorism, United Nations, Venezuela | by freezedriednews | Leave a comment
Iran has agreed to denuclearize as the result of a startling diplomatic coup by United States President Barack Obama, which will result in his denying the Holocaust at the beginning of all of his future press conferences.
Sources indicates that this highly controversial policy decision was the result of a secret sit-down between Obama and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who had originally demanded that Obama agree to endorse “wiping the state of Israel off the map.” Obama demurred, noting his personal love of cartography and his desire not to have to incur massive Federal government expenditures to reprint millions of maps. Ahmadinejad, facing his own economic difficulties, empathized with Obama on this point and accordingly moderated his demand.
Then, in a significant win for Obama, he persuaded Ahmadinejad to publicly support “man-made global warming,” telling the Iranian leader that “in politics, especially in Chicago, two wrongs do make a right.” Ahmadinejad, echoing this sentiment said, “Yes, we will drop two nuclear bombs on Israel, and indeed this will be righteous.”
Word of Obama’s foreign policy triumph spread quickly through the global community. United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon applauded Obama and Ahmadinejad, commenting “This shows that dialogue between differing nations is possible and productive when, as did the United Nations, you file your principles away in a drawer for another millennium. This is not just smart diplomacy, this is genius diplomacy, and it shows that Iran deserves serious consideration as a new permanent member of the Security Council.”
Obama’s success has breathed new life into previously moribund diplomatic entreaties. Discussions are believed to be taking place with North Korea, in which the People’s Republic would agree to stop lying for six months in return for portraits of Dear Leader Kim Jong-il being placed on all Federal buildings. Venezuelan strongman Hugo Chavez has offered to stop criticizing Obama personally in return for US military support against opposition parties.
Only Nicaraguan President and Alleged Pedophile Daniel Ortega was unsuccessful, with White House Press Secretary Robert Gates noting, “Let Ortega take his armies and oppress much greater numbers of people throughout the world. At the present time, President Obama will not sit down with tinpot dictators who haven’t made the equivalent of the Social Register when it comes to tyranny. The ball is in Ortega’s court to destroy a much larger country and if he steps up to the plate, we’ll be happy to exchange ideas.”
A-Rod Fails Stress Test, Yankees Seek TARP Funds
May 6, 2009 in Bill O. Goods's Blog, Political Satire | Tags: A-Rod, Air Force One, Alex Rodriguez, baseball, Geithner, George Mitchell, Kaballah, Madonna, NY Yankees, obama, Obama Satire, Political Humor, political parody, Political Satire, Red Sox, Satire, Steinbrenner, Stephen King, steroids, Swine Flu, TARP, The Stand, Yankees | by freezedriednews | Leave a comment
The New York Yankees, already reeling with a barely .500 win-loss record and the largest payroll in baseball, were today dealt another blow to their World Series Championship dreams when third baseman Alex Rodriguez failed the Obama Administration’s Stress Test Assay for Baseball (STAB).
Under the STAB program, players who make over $20 million per year and act like 5-year-olds in public are subjected to a battery of tests which measure the ability to: hit in the clutch, avoid being photographed by paparazzi when engaged in adulterous relationships with strippers and “hos,” and understand the mysteries of the Kaballah and Madonna’s thought processes. Rodriguez, or A-Rod as he is known to his fans and detractors alike, badly failed the first two tests, achieving an unacceptable score of 33/100 due only to his demonstrating a scholar’s knowledge of Madonna.
Because of the extraordinary compensation paid to Rodriguez and the fact that the overwhelming majority of high-priced seats at the new Yankee Stadium are now occupied by homeless squatters from the Bronx instead of Wall Street executives, Treasury Secretary Geithner is now threatening a Federal takeover of this venerable team. Were this to occur, pundits have speculated that baseball fan and steroid-slayer George Mitchell could be appointed to run the Yankees, although rabid Red Sox fan, Democrat, and world-famous author Stephen King has also been mentioned as a possibility.
In either case, this would signal the end of the line for the Steinbrenner dynasty: Were the choice Mitchell, Yankee Stadium would be used exclusively for Middle East peace negotiations and for conducting show trials of sports figures accused of using anabolic steroids; were the choice King, insiders say he has been looking to acquire a large venue where The Stand can be acted out in real life using local illegal aliens infected with the swine flu.
In spite of these difficulties, Geithner said he wanted to save the intitution that is the Yankees, “I’ll personally run the printing presses if the Steinbrenners will accept TARP money, the only kind that never runs out.” Managing Partner Hal Steinbrenner is said to be seriously considering the offer, noting that “A larger-than-life player like A-Rod demands a larger-than-life supply of money, and that means TARP. I might even let Air Force One fly over Yankee Stadium if this deal goes through.”
Beltway Stunner: Obama Nominates Himself To Replace Souter On Supreme Court
May 4, 2009 in Bill O. Goods's Blog, Political Satire | Tags: Arlen Specter, barack obama, Charles Schumer, conservative parody, conservative satire, Constitution, Dianne Feinstein, James Madison, Justice Souter, obama parody, Obama Satire, Obama Supreme Court, Orren Hatch, Patrick Leahy, Political Humor, Political Satire, President Obama, right-wing extremists, SCOTUS, Sen. Feinstein, Sen. Hatch, Sen. Kennedy, Sen. Leahy, Sen. Schumer, Sen. Specter, Senate Judiciary Committee, Supreme Court, Supreme Court Parody, Supreme Court Satire, Ted Kennedy, US Constitution | by freezedriednews | Leave a comment
President Barack Obama, already criticized by some for juggling too many priorities, has raised the bar. In a startling announcement, the President said that he will be nominating himself to replace Justice Souter in the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS). “Having conducted a thorough review of all candidates, it is clear that no one is more qualified than I to sit on the Court. First, I have Presidential experience and no one else does. Second, everyone thinks I have been a professor of constitutional law, and if enough people believe it, it must be true. Third, I promised the people change, and I have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to mold the Constitution to my liking while continuing to perform the duties for which I was elected. I would be doing the nation and, most important, myself a disservice if I refused to accept my nomination of myself. Last, I am a man of empathy who understands how one can rise from the lowest levels of society to a point where one is able to wear $540 designer sneakers to a charity event for the poor and it is that type of insight that our Supreme Court so sorely needs.”
President and Justice-Nominate Obama faced some difficult questions from reporters regarding the legality of his self-nomination, particularly in light of the so-called Separation of Powers clause in the U.S. Constitution. Obama emphasized that, as a sitting Justice on the Court, he would work quickly to eliminate these concerns: “A Living Constitution means it can be anything we want and, even more important, anything I want.” Then, donning his scholarly hat, he reminded his audience that James Madison’s attempt to have an explicit separation of powers clause in the Bill of Rights was rejected. “As you all undoubtedly know, Article II, Section 1 simply vests executive power in the President, while Article III, Section 1 vests judicial power in a unitary Supreme Court and courts thereunder. Nowhere does the Constitution say that, if you’ve got the insight, the talent, the unifying skill to effect change, that one exalted individual cannot be both President and a member of SCOTUS at the same time. As that exalted individual, that is what I intend to do and what I will do.”
Most members of the Senate Judiary Committee predicted a smooth confirmation process for President and Justice-Nominate Obama. Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) said, “I have great confidence that a Justice Obama will be able to solve my tax problems, and that’s good enough for me.” Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) commented, “My husband looks forward to Executive Orders from President Obama that will benefit his company alone and that will be sustained by a revivified Supreme Court.” Sen. Orren Hatch (R-UT) said, “This is neither as problematic nor as nuanced as it might otherwise seem. Remember I’ve worked with Ted Kennedy for years, so I have an in-depth understanding of how to subvert the Constitution. There’s nothing in President Obama’s self-nomination that is inconsistent with my understanding.” Sen. Arlen Specter (D-PA) proferred a brief dissent, “Mark my word. This is not a done deal. Perhaps if I were reassured reelection now that I’m a Democrat, but the country needs to see what’s in it for me before I announce my vote, and then I reserve the right to change my vote because I simply may want to.”
At the daily White House Press Briefing, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs remarked: “The people may be assured that in no way will President Obama’s SCOTUS duties disrupt his ability to carry out his Presidential ones. What many fail to realize is what one extraordinary individual can do, and it debases the President, frankly, to insinuate that he cannot simultaneously be our nation’s leader and a Supreme Court Justice. Unfortunately, this type of covert racism is still present in our society, the idea that an African-American cannot handle more than one job at a time, and Americans of all stripes should be assured that, as a sitting member of the Supreme Court, President Obama will work tirelessly to end this type of discrimination to ban the cowardice about which Attorney General Holder has so movingly spoken.”
Mass Suicides Ensue After Obama Admits “I Am Not A Miracle Worker”
April 30, 2009 in Bill O. Goods's Blog, Political Satire | Tags: barack obama, Berkeley, bruce willis, clint eastwood, conservative parody, conservative satire, h1n1, Humor, kelsey grammer, libertarian satire, Napolitano, Obama Messiah, obama parody, Obama Satire, Political Humor, political parody, Political Satire, Politics, President Obama, Satire, Swine Flu, SwineFlu, tom selleck | by freezedriednews | 2 comments
A seemingly innocuous admission by President Obama that he is “not a miracle worker” has generated a shock wave of mass suicides throughout the United States and Europe, particularly in Belgium and France. (During a Q&A at a St. Louis high school, Obama said, “Our progress has to be measured in the results that we achieve over many months and years, not the minute-by-minute talk in the media, I’m not a miracle worker.”)
Word of Obama’s denial quickly spread, causing Obama supporters such as Joseph Obama (many Obamanian acolytes have taken the President’s last name in a show of support and solidarity) in Berkeley, California to cry out: “My God, why hast thou forsaken me?” after which he and all other 2,308 members of his group drank cyanide-laced Kool-Aid and collapsed. As of 9am EDT today, this Berkeley scene has played out at leftist enclaves across the United States, and the death toll in the United States stood at 75,198, but the Obama administration is worried about its soon rapidly exceeding one million. The problem is no less serious in Europe, although the preferred method of suicide there has been eating ten pounds of foie gras at one sitting.
Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said, “With so many Democratic votes at risk, we have shifted our resources away from fighting the H1N1 virus and people whom the previous administration mislabeled as ‘terrorists.’ President Obama has directed FEMA to put under a 24-hour suicide watch all students at Ivy League universities, the Seven Sisters colleges, the University of Wisconsin at Madison and the University of California at Berkeley, as well as anyone associated with Hollywood, except for Tom Selleck, Clint Eastwood, Bruce Willis and Kelsey Grammer, all of whom have been placed under arrest for insurrectional thoughts.” Napolitano also assured stunned reporters that they, too, would each be assigned a personal interventionist.
Yale Religious Studies Professor John Calvin suggested that Obama’s remarks may have been misunderstood. Comparing the President to Jesus, Calvin observed: “Christ denied his divinity, yet all Christians regard him as part of the triune God. Similarly, in claiming he was not a miracle worker, President Obama, rather than denying his messianic status, was actually affirming it through an act of profound humility.” The administration is working overtime to get Calvin’s message out to the public, in the hope that global awareness of Obama’s humble divinity will quickly end the plague of suicides. To support this effort, they have announced that President Obama will have a major announcement to make in 40 days, after he returns from an unexpected sojourn.
