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Obama To Combat Climate Change By Moving Planet Earth Farther From The Sun
July 8, 2009 in Bill O. Goods's Blog, Political Satire | Tags: Al Gore, Al Gore Internet, Al Gore satire, barack obama, climate change, climate change satire, g8, global warming, global warming satire, Obama Satire, Political Humor, political parody, Political Satire, President Obama, Satire | by freezedriednews | 2 comments
The Earth may be in for the ride of its life as President Obama undertakes his most radical change yet. Under a joint United States-European initiative to combat climate change, the G8 will be physically moving the Earth five and one-half million miles farther from the Sun, such that its aphelion reaches 100 million miles (up from the present average of 94.5 million).
Chief Scientist and former Presidential candidate Al Gore, who will be heading up the 25 trillion-dollar effort code named “Valhalla,” is said to believe that the United States and Russia will be left with an excess of 2,000-3,000 nuclear bombs after current disarmament plans have been undertaken, and that exploding these simultaneously in space will impart enough momentum to move the Earth into an entirely new, more distant orbital plane about the Sun.
The Valhalla initiative is due to the renewed emphasis that President Obama has placed on combating global warming, climate change and the 2nd law of thermodynamics. Once Mr. Obama agreed with other world leaders at the G8 to establish a goal of limiting the rise in the Earth’s temperature to no more than 2 degrees Celsius, it became necessary for him to create a plan of action, and Valhalla was born out of that requirement. Mr. Obama smartly figured that a 2 degree increase could be offset by effectively putting the planet Earth itself on a space-age moving van.
Valhalla, however, has already been met with strong opposition. Nobel Prize-winning physicists at Harvard, MIT, Princeton and Cal Tech said that major destablizations in the Earth’s orbit were almost certain, likely destroying all life on the planet. In addition, electromagnetic pulse (EMP) would destroy all communications networks and electronic devices, brining us back to a pre-Edisonian time and milieu. But Gore, who now prefers to be called “Winston Churchill,” termed opponents “nattering Nazi-like nabobs of negativity,” said “my Nobel Prize has more cred,” and confidently predicted “a cooler, more stable temperature range,” while admitting a small possibility of “unprecedented meteorological, geophysical and electromagnetic events” as the Earth rockets from its present orbit to its new one. “The point is that, one way or the other, the Earth will be cooler. Even if it becomes a dead rock in space and ultimately collides with Mars, it will be cooler — eventually.” Regarding the communication networks, Gore said, “I invented the Internet so I can destroy it, too.”
President Obama concurred with Gore’s assessment, noting “Let me be honest with you. Our goals here are for the long-term: billions of years, not mere months. If we can ultimately achieve a cooler Earth and stop the scourge of temperature increases, it will be worth the sacrifice of worldwide annihilation today. I have every confidence that Al Gore is the man to lead us to that destination.”
Obama Names Michael Jackson Melanin Czar, Asks Blacks To Halt Climate Change By Lightening Skin
June 15, 2009 in Bill O. Goods's Blog, Political Satire | Tags: African American, barack obama, climate change, climate change satire, Energy Secretary Chu, global warming, global warming satire, Melanin Czar, michael jackson, Obama Czar, Obama Satire, Political Humor, political parody, Political Satire, President Obama, steven chu | by freezedriednews | 2 comments
On the heels of a proposal by Energy Secretary and Nobel Prize Laureate Steven Chu to paint roofs and pavement white in order to mitigate global warming with “negative radiative forcing,” President Barack Obama has announced a new, far more racially-charged initiative. Under the Go White, Make Our Sickly Planet Bright program, all people of color would be “strongly encouraged” to make their skin lighter and could even receive tax credits for their participation.
Recognizing the difficulty that many African Americans and people of color would have with this program, the President announced the appointment of Michael Jackson as Melanin Czar. “Whether due to impetigo or psychosis, Michael Jackson knows more about lightening the color of one’s skin and saving the planet from global warming that any other African American, and I could not think of anyone more qualified than he to be our new Melanin Czar,” said Obama, “but in this position, he will only be allowed contact with individuals over the age of 18, a tremendous sacrifice for him and a symbol of his dedication to our cause.”
“Global warming and climate change affect all the peoples on Earth, including African Americans and all people of color,” said Obama, “but it is the very color of your skin and mine that enables us to make a unique contribution to stopping rampant environmental destruction, all while creating a post-racial world in which the color black no longer exists, except at night. But we are working on that problem, too.”
