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Obama To Combat Climate Change By Moving Planet Earth Farther From The Sun
July 8, 2009 in Bill O. Goods's Blog, Political Satire | Tags: Al Gore, Al Gore Internet, Al Gore satire, barack obama, climate change, climate change satire, g8, global warming, global warming satire, Obama Satire, Political Humor, political parody, Political Satire, President Obama, Satire | by freezedriednews | 2 comments
The Earth may be in for the ride of its life as President Obama undertakes his most radical change yet. Under a joint United States-European initiative to combat climate change, the G8 will be physically moving the Earth five and one-half million miles farther from the Sun, such that its aphelion reaches 100 million miles (up from the present average of 94.5 million).
Chief Scientist and former Presidential candidate Al Gore, who will be heading up the 25 trillion-dollar effort code named “Valhalla,” is said to believe that the United States and Russia will be left with an excess of 2,000-3,000 nuclear bombs after current disarmament plans have been undertaken, and that exploding these simultaneously in space will impart enough momentum to move the Earth into an entirely new, more distant orbital plane about the Sun.
The Valhalla initiative is due to the renewed emphasis that President Obama has placed on combating global warming, climate change and the 2nd law of thermodynamics. Once Mr. Obama agreed with other world leaders at the G8 to establish a goal of limiting the rise in the Earth’s temperature to no more than 2 degrees Celsius, it became necessary for him to create a plan of action, and Valhalla was born out of that requirement. Mr. Obama smartly figured that a 2 degree increase could be offset by effectively putting the planet Earth itself on a space-age moving van.
Valhalla, however, has already been met with strong opposition. Nobel Prize-winning physicists at Harvard, MIT, Princeton and Cal Tech said that major destablizations in the Earth’s orbit were almost certain, likely destroying all life on the planet. In addition, electromagnetic pulse (EMP) would destroy all communications networks and electronic devices, brining us back to a pre-Edisonian time and milieu. But Gore, who now prefers to be called “Winston Churchill,” termed opponents “nattering Nazi-like nabobs of negativity,” said “my Nobel Prize has more cred,” and confidently predicted “a cooler, more stable temperature range,” while admitting a small possibility of “unprecedented meteorological, geophysical and electromagnetic events” as the Earth rockets from its present orbit to its new one. “The point is that, one way or the other, the Earth will be cooler. Even if it becomes a dead rock in space and ultimately collides with Mars, it will be cooler — eventually.” Regarding the communication networks, Gore said, “I invented the Internet so I can destroy it, too.”
President Obama concurred with Gore’s assessment, noting “Let me be honest with you. Our goals here are for the long-term: billions of years, not mere months. If we can ultimately achieve a cooler Earth and stop the scourge of temperature increases, it will be worth the sacrifice of worldwide annihilation today. I have every confidence that Al Gore is the man to lead us to that destination.”
President Obama’s Opening Remarks At Press Conference: What He Was Really Thinking
June 23, 2009 in Bill O. Goods's Blog, Political Satire | Tags: Ahmadinejad, Ahmedinejad, Al Gore, Al Gore internal combustion engine, Al Gore Internet, barack obama, Hillary Clinton, Iran, Iran nuclear, Joe Biden, John McCain, Khamenei, Kim Jong Il, nancy pelosi, NK nukes, North Korea, Obama 4th of July, Obama carbon, Obama cigarettes, Obama health insurance, Obama ice cream, obama parody, Obama press conference, Obama Press Conference Parody, Obama presser, Obama Satire, Obama smoking, Obamacare, POTUS, President Obama, Secretary Clinton, Speaker Pelosi, Vice President Biden, VP Biden | by freezedriednews | Leave a comment
THE PRESIDENT (6/23/09):
First, and most important, I want to emphasize that I am the President of the United States. Me, me, me. Not John McCain-I beat him, remember? Not Speaker Pelosi-she’s third in line meaning over my dead body and Biden’s-ain’t gonna happen because I’m young and healthy and Biden’s a fool and we all know fools seem to live forever. Not Hillary-she’s bottled up in State, just where I want her.
Second, as President of the United States, I’d like to discuss ice cream. You know, ice cream is a uniquely American tradition, right up there with hot dogs and the 4th of July. And I want to encourage all Americans at their BBQs to invite an Iranian diplomat or mullah, just as I’ve done. And, yes, that offer still stands. When the Iranians taste a real hot dog (beef, of course), what gripe could they have with us? And then you finish it up with raisin rum and the deal is done. Hey, that almost rhymes, doesn’t it?
Third, that segues nicely into health care, because if you eat too much ice cream or too many hot dogs, you’re going to be putting yourself at cardiovascular risk. If you smoke, as I, as President, well know, it’s even worse. And many ice cream, hot dog and cigarette indulgers don’t have health insurance. This is a disgrace, and by taxing the hell out of these products, as well as anything else I, as President of the United States, don’t like, we will raise the money to pay for health insurance for all.
Fourth is clean energy. The solution sometimes stares us straight in our eyes and we are too selfish to realize it. 100% wind-powered Government transportation. Al Gore, after he invented the Internet…Al, he said that we should eliminate the internal combustion engine. And it is time for us, as egregious consumers of all that is carbon, to recognize that. Between Government transportation and walking everywhere else, you and I could eat as much ice cream as we wanted, and you know, this will reduce health care costs, too.
Fifth, you all need to know we’ve got Iran and North Korea under control despite right-wing accusations of failing to stand up to them. Right now, we are tracking a North Korean freighter carrying weapons, and I want to assure Kim Jong-il (who is a President like me, although I really like his title better) that we will be following toothless UN resolutions to the letter and not be boarding his sovereign property, just as I want to assure Supreme Leader Khamenei that there is only one government we deal with in Iran and that is the one that tortures and imprisons its civilians. We are making progress ourselves, but we’re not there yet.
Now I’d be happy to take questions on any matter I’ve already alluded to, which means nothing on Iran or North Korea. Please make sure you put in your articles that I am the President. No one else. Just to be clear, that’s not a request.
