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An Exclusive Moe Money Investigative Report — Hanging on the wall of a secret meeting room several miles under the White House is an inspirational portrait of the great negotiator Neville Chamberlain with the caption: Finance in our Time.
Sensing the need for a secret society to solve fiscal and economic problems below the radar of public scrutiny, President Obama has quietly started a group known internally as the Skull and Bones of Maynard Keynes Society (“SBK”). Based on the Keynes mantra that average people are too stupid to govern, SBK will make national policy determinations without any interference from or knowledge of the public.
Taking a cue from Yale’s eponymously-named secret society, Obama sent VP Joe Biden on Air Force 2 in the dark of the night to London to purchase from a cash-strapped Bank of England the skeletal remnants of Keynes for an undisclosed sum and unlimited discounted US treasury bond futures. Though details of the deal remain secret, rumor has it the US Treasury will be paying the Bank of England to take common shares of CitiGroup, Wells Fargo, and JP Morgan — with Bank of America as the closer. Plans were made to funnel stimulus money to the National Institutes of Health to have the Keynes brains analyzed, but upon opening the casket the brains were found to have been missing from the exhumed body. Some suspect they never existed at all or were secretly replaced with a set of instructions to “print money” when all else fails.
The core of the SBK will include Obama as chairman, Tim Geithner as tax consultant, Paul Volker as “wise old white guy,” Bernie Madoff as “investment consultant” attending from his 6×8′ cell, Sir Allen Stanford as cricket consultant, Sen. Roland Burris as honesty expert, and the future ghost of Nancy Pelosi as “the ghost of Nancy Pelosi,” who will haunt meetings as needed.
The economics team will be led by administration Keynesian scholar and Berkeley economist Christina Romer, who was quoted in a recent Fortune article that her academic research concludes “no post World War II recession (or the Great Depression) was solved by fiscal policy.” Quite the believer in timing, she was heard to say, “We can make this work if we can blow the money faster.”
Attorney General Eric Holder will be present to perform cowardice testing while handing out presidential pardons. Franklin Raines will be chief accountant. Tony Rezko and Rod Blagojevich will do the fundraising. Other participants include Bill Clinton, blogging from his new home in Beijing, a gift of the People’s Republic, Bill Gates from his health care monopoly in Nairobi, Eric Schmidt from the Commonwealth of Google (formerly known as the State of California), Arianna Huffington from the Huffington Post (supermarket tabloid edition), and George Soros from Kazhikistan. Ahnold Schwarzenegger will be video conferencing from Sacramento to handle union and congressional negotiations, and the budget. Jim Rogers will be joining the group because “Somebody has to know what he’s talking about.”
Despite a presidential decree requiring transparency in government, the proceedings will NEVER be made public. Nor will any member ever disclose what was discussed at these meetings. However, visitors to www.freezedriednews.com will get exclusive coverage from a mole we placed in the group.
Signing off before my cover is blown, Moe.
