Aphorism of the Week

FreezeDriedNews — Political Satire & Commentary

• The Lord’s Prayer (Messiah Obama Version) July 8, 2009
  Our Father, who art in Wash’ton Hallowed be thy Hussein Thy kingdom won Thy will be done On Earth as it is ‘cago Give us this day our daily TARP And forgive us your trespasses As we forgive those who trespass against you And lead us not into production But deliver us from self reliance [...]
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• Obama To Combat Climate Change By Moving Planet Earth Farther From The Sun July 8, 2009
  The Earth may be in for the ride of its life as President Obama undertakes his most radical change yet. Under a joint United States-European initiative to combat climate change, the G8 will be physically moving the Earth five and one-half million miles farther from the Sun, such that its aphelion reaches 100 million miles [...]
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• President Obama’s Opening Remarks At Press Conference: What He Was Really Thinking June 23, 2009
  THE PRESIDENT (6/23/09): First, and most important, I want to emphasize that I am the President of the United States. Me, me, me. Not John McCain-I beat him, remember? Not Speaker Pelosi-she’s third in line meaning over my dead body and Biden’s-ain’t gonna happen because I’m young and healthy and Biden’s a fool and we [...]
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• The Swat Heard ‘Round The World: Presidential Debates To Highlight Insect-Killing Prowess June 17, 2009
  The shock and awe over President Barack Obama’s coolly swatting a fly during a TV interview today has resounded throughout the mainstream media, resulting in a major change to the format of future Presidential debates: questions will be replaced by tests of insect-swatting prowess. In an unprecedented news conference, the presidents of all major media […]
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• Obama Names Michael Jackson Melanin Czar, Asks Blacks To Halt Climate Change By Lightening Skin June 15, 2009
  On the heels of a proposal by Energy Secretary and Nobel Prize Laureate Steven Chu to paint roofs and pavement white in order to mitigate global warming with “negative radiative forcing,” President Barack Obama has announced a new, far more racially-charged initiative. Under the Go White, Make Our Sickly Planet Bright program, all people of [...]
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• Fiat Takes Over Chrysler, Announces “Super Green” Cars That Break Down Instantly June 11, 2009
  Fiat, the automobile manufacturer of uber-stylish Italian cars, announced today that it has completed its so-called acquisition of Chrysler. Under the terms of the deal, Fiat will actually hold a 20% stake in Chrysler and provide a transfer its technology; the United Auto Workers’ union will hold 55% and provide muscle, enforcement, and kneecappings; a […]
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• Ambien Sales Plummet, Insomniacs Rejoice As Obama Speeches Grow In Length, Frequency June 8, 2009
  Pharmaceutical giant Sanofi-Aventis, maker of the best-selling sleep aid prescription drug Ambien®, now has a giant problem on its hands: President Barack Obama’s speeches.  Market research has identified three major threats to Ambien’s best-selling status. First, as President Obama’s speeches increase in length (his recent speech in Cairo […]
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• Michelle Obama Shows World What “God Damn America” Looks Like June 7, 2009
  First Lady Michelle Obama, exhausted from putting on airs for photo ops and Maxim, has found a new inner peace. At a solemn ceremony honoring those who died at Normandy, an entrepreneurial photographer snapped the above picture of the First Lady in which her “tranquility and love positively shine,” according to Evan Thomas, the senior [...]
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• Obama Hits Terrorists Hard: Cancels Missile Defense, Promises Ever-Longer Speeches June 4, 2009
  Speaking yesterday in Cairo to Muslims around the world, President Barack Obama unveiled what may be his most potent weapon against global terrorism: his penchant for making ever-longer speeches.   The speech, which clocked in at a sleep-inducing 57 minutes and jaw-paralyzing 5,846 words, suggests an ulterior motive, which leading Obama advisors have now con […]
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• Geithner Loses Mind, Engages In Direct Dialogue With Recession Named “George” June 1, 2009
  Addressing Chinese students at Peking University, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner revealed that he has daily dialogues with the global recession and that he has named it “George.” Geithner explained that George typically appears to him late at night, in the ferment of his dreams, but that he has also appeared early in the morning and [...]
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