The Earth may be in for the ride of its life as President Obama undertakes his most radical change yet. Under a joint United States-European initiative to combat climate change, the G8 will be physically moving the Earth five and one-half million miles farther from the Sun, such that its aphelion reaches 100 million miles (up from the present average of 94.5 million).

Chief Scientist and former Presidential candidate Al Gore, who will be heading up the 25 trillion-dollar effort code named “Valhalla,” is said to believe that the United States and Russia will be left with an excess of 2,000-3,000 nuclear bombs after current disarmament plans have been undertaken, and that exploding these simultaneously in space will impart enough momentum to move the Earth into an entirely new, more distant orbital plane about the Sun.

The Valhalla initiative is due to the renewed emphasis that President Obama has placed on combating global warming, climate change and the 2nd law of thermodynamics. Once Mr. Obama agreed with other world leaders at the G8 to establish a goal of limiting the rise in the Earth’s temperature to no more than 2 degrees Celsius, it became necessary for him to create a plan of action, and Valhalla was born out of that requirement. Mr. Obama smartly figured that a 2 degree increase could be offset by effectively putting the planet Earth itself on a space-age moving van.

Valhalla, however, has already been met with strong opposition. Nobel Prize-winning physicists at Harvard, MIT, Princeton and Cal Tech said that major destablizations in the Earth’s orbit were almost certain, likely destroying all life on the planet. In addition, electromagnetic pulse (EMP) would destroy all communications networks and electronic devices, brining us back to a pre-Edisonian time and milieu. But Gore, who now prefers to be called “Winston Churchill,” termed opponents “nattering Nazi-like nabobs of negativity,” said “my Nobel Prize has more cred,” and confidently predicted “a cooler, more stable temperature range,” while admitting a small possibility of “unprecedented meteorological, geophysical and electromagnetic events” as the Earth rockets from its present orbit to its new one.  “The point is that, one way or the other, the Earth will be cooler. Even if it becomes a dead rock in space and ultimately collides with Mars, it will be cooler — eventually.” Regarding the communication networks, Gore said, “I invented the Internet so I can destroy it, too.”

President Obama concurred with Gore’s assessment, noting “Let me be honest with you. Our goals here are for the long-term: billions of years, not mere months. If we can ultimately achieve a cooler Earth and stop the scourge of temperature increases, it will be worth the sacrifice of worldwide annihilation today. I have every confidence that Al Gore is the man to lead us to that destination.”