On the heels of a proposal by Energy Secretary and Nobel Prize Laureate Steven Chu to paint roofs and pavement white in order to mitigate global warming with “negative radiative forcing,” President Barack Obama has announced a new, far more racially-charged initiative. Under the Go White, Make Our Sickly Planet Bright program, all people of color would be “strongly encouraged” to make their skin lighter and could even receive tax credits for their participation.

Recognizing the difficulty that many African Americans and people of color would have with this program, the President announced the appointment of Michael Jackson as Melanin Czar. “Whether due to impetigo or psychosis, Michael Jackson knows more about lightening the color of one’s skin and saving the planet from global warming that any other African American, and I could not think of anyone more qualified than he to be our new Melanin Czar,” said Obama, “but in this position, he will only be allowed contact with individuals over the age of 18, a tremendous sacrifice for him and a symbol of his dedication to our cause.”

“Global warming and climate change affect all the peoples on Earth, including African Americans and all people of color,” said Obama, “but it is the very color of your skin and mine that enables us to make a unique contribution to stopping rampant environmental destruction, all while creating a post-racial world in which the color black no longer exists, except at night.  But we are working on that problem, too.”

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