Fiat, the automobile manufacturer of uber-stylish Italian cars, announced today that it has completed its so-called acquisition of Chrysler. Under the terms of the deal, Fiat will actually hold a 20% stake in Chrysler and provide a transfer its technology; the United Auto Workers’ union will hold 55% and provide muscle, enforcement, and kneecappings; and the US and Canadian governments will respectively hold 8% and 2%, which will collectively provide onerous regulations to stymie the products of competitors.

Sergio Marchionne, Fiat’s chief executive, explained that the new products would not just satisfy US President Barack Obama’s desire for green, fuel-efficient cars, but far surpass it: “The average Fiat is designed to hold two people: a man and his mistress, so we are already experts in making small cars. To enter the US market via Chrysler, and at the suggestion of San Franciscan Nancy Pelosi, we will be expanding capacity to three people, because we understand threesomes are more popular there, and we would not want to exclude an integral part of the American family.”

Marchionne continued, “But our big secret is Fiat technology itself. As everyone knows, our cars are aesthetically perfect, which is why they break down so often, for it is difficult to admire a moving car. By combining Chrysler’s resources with ours, we will be able to produce a true “Super Green” car that breaks down the moment you buy it, thereby eliminating emissions altogether.”

Many reporters noted that towing the faulty cars would involve the use of carbon unfriendly tow trucks, but Marchionne pointed out that this was only phase I and that President Obama’s Phase II called for a return to oxen, with automobiles becoming “purely aesthetic objets d’art.”

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