Pharmaceutical giant Sanofi-Aventis, maker of the best-selling sleep aid prescription drug Ambien®, now has a giant problem on its hands: President Barack Obama’s speeches.  Market research has identified three major threats to Ambien’s best-selling status.

First, as President Obama’s speeches increase in length (his recent speech in Cairo lasted a jaw-dropping 57 minutes), greater numbers of insomniacs are using them as soporifics.  Second, these insomniacs include Obama supporters and opponents, “proof that there is at least one thing that Democrats and Republicans agree on,” according to a senior executive at Sanofi-Aventis. Third, President Obama is giving these long speeches more frequently, causing concern that soon, there will not be a single day in the week that does have have an Obama speech. Were this to occur, “Ambien sales would be absolutely devastated,” said the executive.

Company statisticians have completed an in-depth analysis of Obama’s speeches and, if present trends continue, they project that, within six months, he will be making 3.7 speeches per week, with a median length of 1 hour and 23 minutes.  This means that insomnaics will still need prescription sleep aids at least one-half of the time.  Those same statisticians, however, found a “tipping point” at which point uncontrolled, explosive growth of Obama’s speeches will occur.

According to the confidential report we obtained: “We project that, by March 13, 2010, President Obama will be making 15.2 speeches per week, with a median length of 4 hours and 15 minutes.  This clocks in at over 60 hours per week, longer than the average workweek of an employed American.  We are calling this the Obama Red Tide Effect: as marine biologists well know, the algae that cause a red tide can, in a matter of a few days, consume all the oxygen in the water and cause massive fish death.  Similarly, listening to Obama’s speeches will soon become the sole sleep aid available in America, consuming all the potential sales of Ambien as well as of our competitors, such as Lunesta.”  Neither President Obama nor Press Secretary Robert Gibbs could be reached, as both were said to be preparing for a “Major 3:15pm, Tuesday Speech.” Meanwhile, in a desperate attempt to save their business, Sanofi-Aventis has hired lobbyists who will urge Congress to engage the “nuclear option”: banning the use of teleprompters by all United States Presidents.

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