Speaking yesterday in Cairo to Muslims around the world, President Barack Obama unveiled what may be his most potent weapon against global terrorism: his penchant for making ever-longer speeches.   The speech, which clocked in at a sleep-inducing 57 minutes and jaw-paralyzing 5,846 words, suggests an ulterior motive, which leading Obama advisors have now confirmed.

Instead of deploying new missile defenses and selling military supplies to Israel, the administration will be ordering thousands of rad-hard, mil-spec teleprompters, which will be installed at locations around the globe and connected via real-time satellite links.  This will enable the President to deliver a speech from anywhere, anytime, not only at moments of existential crisis, but also whenever the hell the inspiration hits him.

One highly-placed administration source said, “Our thinking is that as long as acolytes are listening to Obama speak, they can’t be carrying out suicide bombing missions, attacking our troops or otherwise causing mayhem and destruction.  We have seen that the fractured syntax and short speeches of the Bush administration have failed, so consistent with our mantra of change, we are going in the other direction.  By the end of this year, expect the President to be giving daily speeches up to 3 hours in length — think of it as a filibuster against man-caused disasters, if you will.”

Another advisor noted, “We do not believe missile defense or preaching about American values can be effective in today’s complex world of man-made disasters. So we will be eliminating all that.  Instead, we will be using the President’s compelling personality, life story and empathy for the common Muslim to keep man-made disasters from occuring. The American people are sick and tired of action and are ready for some words and then some more words and then even some more words.”

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