Addressing Chinese students at Peking University, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner revealed that he has daily dialogues with the global recession and that he has named it “George.”

Geithner explained that George typically appears to him late at night, in the ferment of his dreams, but that he has also appeared early in the morning and during the middle of particularly long Cabinet meetings, effectively bypassing not only other Cabinet members, but even President Obama himself.  The initial meeting was particularly difficult, Geithner related, because the childish, yet wraith-like figure, whom he described as “a cross between E.T. and Nancy Pelosi without makeup,” refused to call him “Tim,” instead opting for the accusatory “T.C.” as in “Tax Cheat.”  Geithner, however, adroitly navigated past that obstacle by promising George a Senate Seat in the new state of the District of Columbia. “It was at that point that I knew I had found not just an equal, not just a friend, but a true confidante, a BFF” noted Geithner.

“George and I, we speak daily, sometimes contentiously, but what I have come to realize is that George’s inner child is damaged and needs to be soothed, so I quickly made the decision not to involve Rahm Emanuel.  George is hurting, George is crying about all the pain he has caused, but he has turned petulant and that is why the recession has gone on for so long.  Sure, the Obama administration could give him a really hard spanking, but that would just produce violent economic tsunamis in the future.  Instead, we opt for a policy of constructive engagement with George, in the hope that he will unclench his economic fist,” said Geithner.

Geithner concluded by saying that his relationship with George is now better than ever and that the country—and the world as a whole—is benefitting from their friendship.  The only cause of concern, Geithner averred, is that George seems to have developed some addictive tendencies, requiring ever greater amounts of love in the form of freshly minted dollars. “Fortunately,” added Geithner, “President Obama personally called Oprah, and she has arranged for Dr. Phil to take an emergency flight on Air Force One to treat George, and then to go out with him for dinner, drinks and a play on Broadway.” Dr. Phil, reached for comment, said: “Secretary Geithner has clearly lost his mind, but as my own example proves, that is no barrier to success.”

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