Evolutionary biologists have been stunned by a Peruvian discovery of a 5-million-year-old fossil of a 10-foot-long sloth, which they believe provides the famed missing link between animals and government workers. Initial results of a genomic mapping between the Peruvian samples and those taken from Federal, State, county and city government workers suggest that there is a 99.99997% probability (i.e., higher than the probability that O.J. did it) that these individuals were directly descended from the sloth.

For decades, leading scientists have been become increasingly puzzled by the indolence, indifference and low productivity of this subclass of humans, which has led to speculation that people destined for working in government possess significant mutations in their genome. According to this hypothesis, these mutations, when expressed in a phenotype, inevitably result in behaviors that cannot be tolerated by private businesses, leading those individuals to turn to government as an employer of last resort.

Attempts to reach spokespeople for government workers were unsuccessful, as they had all left for the day.

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