President Barack Obama, already criticized by some for juggling too many priorities, has raised the bar. In a startling announcement, the President said that he will be nominating himself to replace Justice Souter in the Supreme Court of the United States (SCOTUS). “Having conducted a thorough review of all candidates, it is clear that no one is more qualified than I to sit on the Court. First, I have Presidential experience and no one else does. Second, everyone thinks I have been a professor of constitutional law, and if enough people believe it, it must be true.  Third, I promised the people change, and I have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to mold the Constitution to my liking while continuing to perform the duties for which I was elected. I would be doing the nation and, most important, myself a disservice if I refused to accept my nomination of myself. Last, I am a man of empathy who understands how one can rise from the lowest levels of society to a point where one is able to wear $540 designer sneakers to a charity event for the poor and it is that type of insight that our Supreme Court so sorely needs.”

President and Justice-Nominate Obama faced some difficult questions from reporters regarding the legality of his self-nomination, particularly in light of the so-called Separation of Powers clause in the U.S. Constitution. Obama emphasized that, as a sitting Justice on the Court, he would work quickly to eliminate these concerns: “A Living Constitution means it can be anything we want and, even more important, anything I want.” Then, donning his scholarly hat, he reminded his audience that James Madison’s attempt to have an explicit separation of powers clause in the Bill of Rights was rejected.  “As you all undoubtedly know, Article II, Section 1 simply vests executive power in the President, while Article III, Section 1 vests judicial power in a unitary Supreme Court and courts thereunder. Nowhere does the Constitution say that, if you’ve got the insight, the talent, the unifying skill to effect change, that one exalted individual cannot be both President and a member of SCOTUS at the same time. As that exalted individual, that is what I intend to do and what I will do.”

Most members of the Senate Judiary Committee predicted a smooth confirmation process for President and Justice-Nominate Obama.  Sen. Charles Schumer (D-NY) said, “I have great confidence that a Justice Obama will be able to solve my tax problems, and that’s good enough for me.” Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) commented, “My husband looks forward to Executive Orders from President Obama that will benefit his company alone and that will be sustained by a revivified Supreme Court.” Sen. Orren Hatch (R-UT) said, “This is neither as problematic nor as nuanced as it might otherwise seem. Remember I’ve worked with Ted Kennedy for years, so I have an in-depth understanding of how to subvert the Constitution. There’s nothing in President Obama’s self-nomination that is inconsistent with my understanding.” Sen. Arlen Specter (D-PA) proferred a brief dissent, “Mark my word. This is not a done deal. Perhaps if I were reassured reelection now that I’m a Democrat, but the country needs to see what’s in it for me before I announce my vote, and then I reserve the right to change my vote because I simply may want to.”

At the daily White House Press Briefing, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs remarked: “The people may be assured that in no way will President Obama’s SCOTUS duties disrupt his ability to carry out his Presidential ones. What many fail to realize is what one extraordinary individual can do, and it debases the President, frankly, to insinuate that he cannot simultaneously be our nation’s leader and a Supreme Court Justice. Unfortunately, this type of covert racism is still present in our society, the idea that an African-American cannot handle more than one job at a time, and Americans of all stripes should be assured that, as a sitting member of the Supreme Court, President Obama will work tirelessly to end this type of discrimination to ban the cowardice about which Attorney General Holder has so movingly spoken.”